EP2 Pre Order & Manctalo

                                                            

Well who’d of thought it? A Manchester based vinyl label born from a love of Italo Disco, Boogie and early Proto House records and we sold out the first EP the same day as the release date. The interest that spread through Italo loving internet circles before the release was mental and now it’s the turn of EP2. “C’mon EP2. Fukin av it !!!”

I have been talking a lot with fellow Red Laser Records artist Flemming Dalum while we collaborated on our track for EP3 (available March) recently. He was saying that a lot of the music that is being produced in our small scene definitely has a sound that can’t be categorised and that Red Laser is one of the labels pushing this new electronic film score-esque Italo flavour onto vinyl along with other great releases from Flight Recorder in Newcastle, Cyberdance in London, and Bordello A Parigi in Rotterdam and it’s looking like there’s a lot more vinyl loving labels already out there and more to come.

So to avoid some clueless bulb sniffing journalist laying a claim to an ‘uninspired’ genre tag like NuItalo (yawn) and with the backing of my fellow Red Laser Artists I’m officially naming our EP2 vibe “MANCTALO”  

Again we have spared no cost on artwork and have opted for the beautiful eye burn neon rizzo print poster overseen by Red Laser arteest Bob Dazzle aka Eoin Macmanus

The record will be available to Pre Order for a special price of £7.50 from the Pre Order Site (CLICK HERE TO ORDER) and will be posted out on the 11th February 2013. It will be available online and in select independent record shops from the 18th February 2013

Here’s the rundown on what’s happening on our next slab of wax.

Red Laser Records EP2

Side A

 DJ Bert & Eagle – I Am Your Master (Savino DJ & DJ Peet Need Remix)

Finally the long awaited vinyl release for many Manctalo lovers. The track was brought to my attention by Kid Machine. Before I even listened to it I wanted to release it just from how enthusiastically (ar) Kid Machine talked about it. When I finally listened I was blown away. The original is weird and wonderful but it does not come close to how weird and wonderful the remix is. These guys have done a fantastic job making it beat heavy. The arppegiating bass line digs a circular trench that gets deeper as the track marches on until you end up stuck on the island with the strange creepy midget man. As you can probably tell this track takes me to strange place every time I hear it and blurs the line between dreams and nightmares. You would be forgiven for thinking that night crawling “Crackula” types were responsible for such a track but DJ Peet Need is one of the nicest guys I’ve been in contact with. He is also a passionate music collector and he shed some interesting light on what it was like growing up an Italo lover in a small area of Holland just outside The Hague.  “The whole Italo scene was alive in the 80’s in an area of around 35 x 35KM” he says “…. Really Really strange when you think of it. Inside this area were pirate radio stations and import record shops exposing people to Italo. Outside this range really nobody knew of Italo Disco!” Back then as a young man Peet immersed himself in collecting Italo records and DJing. Now, 45 (Sorry for exposing your age Peet J) he has never lost the passion for collecting and DJing music that moves him. What about information on his production partner “Savino DJ”? I really don’t have any so he automatically gains “Mysterious” status. Although from his Facebook wall I do know he has a passion for posting pictures of beautiful partially clothed women. Verdict - Geezer.

Starion – Darkstar

How will he make a heavier track than EP1’s Another Dimension? By making Darkstar even heavier! Analogue Manctalo Chug at its finest. Big bass line, big synth chords, big vocoder action. You couldn’t get more ‘dark disco electronic’ if you went clubbing with Daleks and the Cybermen were DJing. Also there has been a free downloadable album from Spain’s ‘Disko Selectors’ which included the fantastic Starion track ‘Hypnoto Roboto’  which you should check out immediately.

Our man Starion recently became a Dad for the first time (Big love to the fam) and by the recent output of quality music he is either amazing at organising his time or his Girlfriend is very understanding woman. Just like Kid Machine Starion has a great knack for making arrangement and production look easy (Which It aint) and every new demo Brady sends over is better than the last. Watch this space Manctalo heads. Starion is going to make some waves Laird Hamilton would be scared of in 2013 no shit!

Side B

Ste Spandex – Edit 1V

On EP1 Ste Spandex dropped a great Boogie number with Sarah Bates. This time however is more ‘mutating worm like acid wriggler’. This relentless percussive onslaught seems to scrape any MDMA residue trapped in your veins and gets it circulating again. This means you can get ‘off your napper’ without spending money on drugs (although taking drugs and listening to this track is advised). This is a bit of a taste of what’s to come on Ste Spandex’s own Red Laser 12” which drops a week or two after EP2 and is choc full of amazing productions.

A good few years back now I met a bunch of lads that were doing a night called ‘Detroit Public Radio’. Ste Spandex was part of this crew. They stood out because they had adopted an “Anti Trendy” attitude. You could see they would not stand for cheesy twats infecting their vibe. When I first met now good friend Randy Marsh, I’m sure he was questioning me to make sure I wasn’t a total ‘Northern Quarter Bulb Whiff’, and rightly so as you can’t confirm anyone to be sound as a pound just cos they like records and drugs. Plenty of cocks like records and drugs. Eventually the crew of Randy Marsh, Ste Spandex, Wayward Craig , Kicking Pidgeon and Si Ruff Dug went on to start one of Manchester’s finest underground clubbing experiences “Wet Play”. Still running today if you’re from outside the city and want to really experience something special I highly recommend this club night.

Ste Spandex is producing so much music so quickly I can’t keep up and thankfully, with fellow Wet Play crew, is starting Wet Plays’ own record label with the first release imminent and no bullshit, I’ve heard the stuff, its fukin beltin! This will be hot so keep your eyes and ears peeled

Kid Machine – Pegasus

Fuck me this is so dark and heavy it’s like holding a black hole in the palm of your hand. I think this is the slowest track Kid Machine has made and it gives the feeling of a dark, retro future, sci-fi horror score. Great for listening, being transported to another place and stimulating the imagination.  Fukin CGI and special effects not needed. That Hollywood chump Michael Bay needs to wake up and see the power of music on the mind rather than trying to make the imagination obsolete with multi-million dollar special effects and a piss weak love story so cheesy you end up wishing the developing lovers contract gonorrhea . 

I have documented the story of how I met Kid Machine and Starion before but its still funny to think that 3 people living in Manchester who never met were brought together through a love of strange early 80’s Italian produced records!! And dare I say it ‘Internet Forums’ (10 years ago I wouldn't have pissed on a blogger if he was on fire. I thought it was that un-cool! I have definitely changed!). Recently Kid Machine has sent some music for planned future Red Laser releases that has blown my fukin socks off. The future is dark. Brilliantly Dark!

"CLICK HERE TO PRE ORDER EP2"

Il Bosco

Tecnology On Trial

Another fucking conversation about the different formats DJ’s use. It seems to be only vinyl purists that have this debate. But you are a vinyl purist you bulb! O Yeah! For a record beardo though I think I have quite a liberal attitude toward the subject compared to some militant vinyl purist DJ’s that I know who would spit at you if you had a CD in your hand. However things did start to irritate me with the whole laptop free downloadable music malarkey. Not like genital warts irritates but more like sand in mi japs eye. The main couple of reasons being the complete lack of effort a DJ has to put into building a collection of music. How can you say “my music collection” when you actually don’t have anything physical to hold, look at or read? Just because you use a laptop doesn’t mean you shouldn’t buy vinyl or CD’s. Your part of a culture you dick-wad.  You don’t have to know it all but you still have to some understanding of and be apart of the path laid by others that gave birth to the scene your into you fuck. (Rant over)

The only other slight irritation has been the introduction of the ‘vacant screen stare’ that removes the passion and can leave a DJ “expressionless". Imagine Aretha singing without screwing her face or Stevie Wonder playing piano without lurching about. On a Stax documentary I watched it was Rufus Thomas that said “If a band member aint pullin an ugly face or movin around like crazy they aint putting enough soul into it!”

For years I became engrossed in a culture that was exciting because you had to hook up with friends and travel to find good records at great prices then reveal your finds to a room of anticipating vinyl munters. Hanging around the record shops at the weekend we would look up to the generation of old school collectors and DJ’s in our city and would rightly fine tune our tastes from their selections any ace new releases that were available. My rant is probably more about the importance of shared experiences through music and not just showing off in a club. I once met a proper cretin that had 3 hard drives full of music. He left his computer on all day and it just downloaded constantly on its own. 20,000 records and not one dirty finger. That’s weird to me!

(Restarts Rant) Now my purism line is really being poked at via the depressing news of U fukin S fukin B Stick DJ’s. WHAT!!!! Turning up at a club with nothing but two USB sticks full of music just isn’t DJ etiquette Gee!!!. Why not make it interesting by downloading the set onto your nana’s dildo, plug that into your arse and beatbox David Guetta hits you cunt. You will definitely produce a better quality of sound anyway. DJing isn’t just playing music to its also the collecting and researching to develop your style. The best news I’ve heard regarding this was the rise in USB Stick theft by punters in clubs (Heroes if you ask me) that are causing uproar among the big club DJ pioneers of this new format. “Il Bosco supports USB theft”

Anyway mi old mate and outstanding DJ Jon K recently did a belter of a mixtape for FACT Magazine (link at bottom of page.) in which the write up had an interesting quote from Theo Parrish. He claimed that it’s “genuinely hard to remember a time when the art of DJing was as simple as … collect records, build a collection, exhibit that collection in front of an audience.” That is exactly the kind of thing i like to witness in a club and Jon K is renowned for this approach

Jon has been obsessed with music for a long time. I met John in about 1998 and soon after we were sharing a house together. Call it a house but it was more like a squat and actually it was more like a storage facility for Jon as he was rarely there but still we had a laid back policy to our vinyl collections and John wouldn’t mind me using his room when he wasn’t there and listening to his records (Plus other shit that involved girls and his bed ha ha) and vice versa. I remember pulling a record from its sleeve while I was DJing and was surprised to see a list of BPM’s in Jon’s handwriting written in blue marker over the paper center  I found about 3 more as well the fucker!

Even back then everybody knew Jon was on another level when it came to selections and would often have a club dancing to ‘shit you aint heard before’. He is a DJ that younger people with a developing passion for music and technology should be looking too for guidance on “The right way to do this shit” A man with an old skool ethos of collecting records while embracing new technology’s. His record collection is something to behold and his style is unique as a result of the years of effort.

Click HERE for Jon K's FACT MAG Miixtape

Il Bosco

Wheres all the Anthems?

Recently I randomly got to thinking about the increasing disappearance of the “Anthem”. Maybe it’s just me but it seems bangers only get played a few times these days and then get shelved when they could be still blowing the roof off the fukin disco. Back in the day there was no CD’s or downloads so some 12’s would stay in the box for longer due to their impact on an audience and the fact you could’nt purchase a vast amounts of music instantly to replace them due to limited releases each month.  The audience would hear your selection regularly and as a result the better tracks would become anthems for a scene. I’m bringing back the anthem and reviewing some tracks that Red Laser regulars know there bound to hear when I get excited (or lazy)

 Tin Man – Falling Acid

Defo my deep anthem. This track goes deeper than black holes. If this was pressed on gold it couldn’t be heavier. Tin Man has his sub bass in the perfect place on this acid monster. If you let yourself go its twisting analogue blobs will make you gurn like a denture-less pensioner with a mouthful of hot soup. And that’s before you drop any E’s mate. Take on the Falling Acid challenge! You must stay expressionless for the full 7 minutes of this record. I’m tellin ya without the assistance of Botox it’s fukin Impossible

 Aurra – You And Me Tonight

Defo my top shallow anthem. This record aint deep at all but that’s what makes it brillo. Even the moody fellas will join the girls on the floor without fail for a slice of the boogie jam pop tart. Great for watching dancing couples act out the story of the song. The guy trying to get back into his ex girlfriends gusset while the girl fucks him off for being a “PLAYA”. The last time I played it in Q Carvern it went mental. If a deaf person walked in at that moment they may have guessed we were all singing Ol Lang Syne or the Okey Cokey. This is a 50p jam all day long so get online or down the charity shop quick. Great sing-a-long tackle

 Il Bosco – Norea Son

“Ok. What kind of arsehole reviews his own record?” You ask. So I aint gonna, but the truth is this is the only track I ever made that I like to play out regularly and (Sucks his own dick) it always gets a “What the fucks this track mate?” which is a good sign that you did something right. I know a lot of producers suffer from the “cant play my own track” thing purely due to the fact a lot of times you will set out with a dancer in mind and end up making a listener instead so I’m buzzin that with this track I actually fulfilled my own brief. By the way I will just ad the whole process I did without using a computer once. Music and Artwork. Don’t forget to turn up the highs on the mixer for maximum sonic seduction due to my piss poor EQing

 Carol Williams – Cant get away from your Love (Dub)

Its Intergalactic surfing time on echo waves through the cosmos when this dubbed out boogie monolith gets dropped. You can’t lose playing this fucker. Even your weird relatives who claim to not like any music will have to fight back the enjoyment as this bubbling pot of synth stew fills the room. Catch auntie and uncle dickhead floating around the disco like the Bisto Kids

 Strike One – Can’t touch me anymore

Needle down, hair’s on your body up. Instant audio hope. Turns any darkened room into a smile factory. Empowering lyrics for the bitches, skull compressing bass squelch for the Gee’s and soaring catchy horn hook make this an instant floor filler. To top it off you will unintentionally annoy the fuck out of your work colleagues when you randomly hum the tune 50 times a day unless you’re jobless in which case you can pump it loud while watching toothless sperm bags receive DNA results on Jeremy Kyle. “Just as we thought. It’s yours Shep! Now are you gonna do the right thing?” “Woof Woof” 

 Midnight Savari – Phantom Galacton

When this came out a few years ago it instantly appealed to my passion for early 90’s rave records. The piano stabs remind me of the early tracks that would rock large warehouse party’s in the North of England. Those places would sell out 5000 people and didn’t have a drinks licence. Imagine spending £10 to get in a club where you couldn’t buy a sodding beer. Fuck that! It just wouldn’t fukin happen these days!! But it did back then and this is the type of sound that was considered hardcore. How times change (predictable boring old cunt). Anyway just to make things even more interesting these dudes are from Jakarta! See! Eastern music isn’t just out of tune plinky plunking and ear bleeding  gibberish!

Gift of Dreams – Mandroid

This has to have been made by a bunch of homosexual, future obsessed, crack addicts in the early 80’s for sure!! That’s how I imagine Gift Of Dreams to be when I first heard this record. Initially I thought it was novel. Then a couple of years ago I dug it out again for a mix tape I did for OiPolloi’s blog and realised the sheer brilliance of this early electronic soulful powerhouse. Sparse beats, heavy arppegiatted synths and raw vocal make this an absolute belter. Nothing else sounds similar. It’s one of my 3 year old boys favourites too and he always makes me rewind the intro so he can repeatedly hear Mandroid’s phantom style robo cackle when it comes on in the car. A true gem

 Tyree – Acid Over (Piano Matey Mix)

Older friends who lived the Acid House scene always used to pull me up for playing this version saying “Your playin the wrong version ya mad – ed!” But to me this is the one. Its does you right to sometimes hear tracks from a scene you know little about as you will be uninfluenced by the whole “This version is the classic. All others are to be deleted from time” attitude. I put this on the another earlier mix I did for Manchesters OiPolloi blog a few years ago and people asked about this more than any other track on the mix tape. Last time I looked there wasn’t even a Youtube viddy for this slept on classic. Scandalous!!!

Il Bosco (Click here to hear)

Rise Of The 2nd Hand Machines

When im chattin with people that don’t have a clue about music or production and the word “Studio” gets mentioned I can immediately see them conjuring up in their head a large fabric covered room in my house with a 64 channel desk in front of a massive window that looks into another larger room filled with mic stands and instruments. Actually the word “studio” is a tricky one as I too instinctively imagine this utopian workspace when mentioned.  The truth is 80% of "studios" are a room in a house with some keyboards and a laptop. Some studios are just the fukin laptop so the next time an 18 year old spouts off to you about his studio he’s probably on about his fukin rucksack. Some studio’s however are a collection of music, equipment and instruments gathered over time by various means of canny purchasing and lucky acquirements and it’s these workspaces that are very interesting places indeed. These collections of caliginous crap define an artist’s style through a “making the best of what I’ve got” ethos and will often lead to a distinctive sound as a result.

In my early 20’s I was encouraged to start making music by top Geordie crackpot Mark Rae. Mark was then one half of the very successful Manchester based production outfit Rae & Christian and Bossman of GrandCentral Records.  He helped me purchase my very first piece of kit and it was this machine that the rest of my studio would be built around over the next 15 years. It was an Akai MPC2000XL. Everything I have ever made and still make today is done with the MPC and I never learned to use a computer as a result to which I regret but many computer based producer friends seem to envy.

So at one time my “Studio” was a solitary MPC on a table in the corner of my living room that then became an MPC and a Korg MS2000. And then a year later was an MPC, Korg MS2000 and a Yamaha O1V Desk and so on until I obtained enough bits and bobs to warrant its own workspace which was sometimes a rented studio and the rest of the time a spare room in my gaff. The following is just a small selection of the bits 'o' shit I’ve accumulated that has been  quite special to me and I still find useful today

AKAI MPC2000XL

When people with a passion for music production technology realise I make music they often start to talk shop using words like “Interface” and what Hertz or Frequency’s they like and don’t like (Yawn). At this point I know from how they talk at me that I’m suppose to understand this language. When I try to explain I do not have a clue what they are on about their brain will refuse to compute such a ridiculous suggestion from somebody that releases music and more often than not they will carry on talking shite and spouting codes at me like all I do with my time is read ‘Sound on Sound magazine’. My studio set-up and style of making music is “Go in, switch on, move some stuff around, press some buttons, make some noises and record” The MPC is perfect for this scenario. When I bought my first one i plugged it in, threw the manual behind the couch and worked it out. The MPC really is like a kids toy for making music. You can sample music, sequence those samples and organise them into fully finished musical arrangements knowing 5% of the machines capabilities and you can learn the other 95% at your leisure as the years roll by.  Classic Piece

Memory Moog

8 years ago my girlfriends Dad had this broken unit in the cellar and I was allowed to rescue it and get it repaired and it has lived in the studio ever since. The sheer power that blasts from this analogue bitch is unreal. I love seeing people use it for the first time as their facial expressions are always the same ’open mouthed joy’ at what they are hearing. It is really difficult to fit the Memory Moog into compositions that use samples or digital synths because the Moog sounds just wipe everything else into the distance a bit like putting chillies on your fruit salad. You like all the elements but the chillies overpower everything else so much you might as well just of had chillies. In fact scrap that analogy. It’s more like putting concentrated hydrochloric acid or your fruit salad. It dissolves the fruit instantly and melts your face with the 1^st bite. As a result you have to use as much of the moog as you can in one track and if you get it right “FIYA!”. The Moog does have one massive setback tho. Every Memory Moog made is an absolute nightmare to control regarding the tuning. I’ve become the ‘Hulk Hogan’ of the studio after years of wrestling with the bastard. You can however have your Memory Moog modified. There is a company in Germany called Lintronics that will take it apart, replace all the pots and terminal components for solid gold ones, make various modifications and rebuild. I received an email reply after I enquired about this modification. The last line of the email said “The whole process will take a year and will cost £5000 but in the end you will be the owner of the most powerful synth ever made!” Anybody got £5000 they can give me?

Echoman

If im not with the family, in the studio or at work and I have some spare time and money there is nothing more I like to do than dig through piles of shit in second hand shops. The anticipation of unearthing a forgotten record collection or a piece of music equipment so obscure the smart arse shop owner can’t get an instant evaluation online. This little fucker turned up on a shelf in a grotty little cave in Chadderton, East Manchester. I instantly new it would be great find if I could get the right price and so a spaghetti western style standoff between me and damp hovel owner quickly followed. I went up to the counter with excited enthusiasm for some records that I was handing over for an evaluation, my plan was to confuse the shop owner by taking the heat away from my hidden agenda via the records , I then nonchalantly waved the echoman and said “oh and this thing, How much for this?” And while shop owner wasted his time ebaying every record as to not be outdone by what he thought was a clued up vinyl dealer more punters entered the shop and queued for his assistance. By the time he got to checking the Echoman on ebay he was getting flustered and I found myself ready for the kill. I waved £25.00 at him, He quickly came back “Give us 30 and its yours” Booooooom “YOU LOOOSE” “MINE” “HAHAHAHAHAHA” When I got it home my old mate Jim Holroyd aka Begin popped over and we fucked around with it in the front room with a minidisk of noises and chuckled at its simple ability to take you into the cosmos. Great little twist and go tape echo. Deep Space tackle

Baldwin Electric Piano

Sometimes you end up with equipment by absolute chance.  About 10 years ago I moved into a block of flats on an estate at the edge of the city centre. The guy who was moving out was off to live in Paris and had nowhere to store this 70’s analogue piano. “It’s yours mate” “Nice one one ar kid!” I didn’t really get excited about it at the time. I just thought it was cool to have a piano in the house but it turns out over time that this piano has an amazing unique warm sound that is instantly noticeable to anyone who has played many different pianos. The fucker weighs a tonne and sounds absolutely amazing.  Not only does it have a large speaker under the pink fabric it has an output jack so you can plumb it straight into the desk. No matter where I look on the internet I cannot find something similar to get an evaluation so I don’t have a clue how much it’s worth but I know for sure it’s a keeper. 

Il Bosco

Making the most of your mates

After starting the club night Red Laser Disco and just plodding along as a weekly event in a bar where people didn’t give a shit about music, never mind synth orientated disco, I decided to give myself a kick up the arse and throw some energy into developing the good initial idea and take it to a suitable venue and advertise with bold strong artwork. And so in true ‘wing and a prayer’ style i approached a good friend to help me. It was DJ Bob Dazzle aka Eoin McManus who gave Red Laser it’s ‘Look’ when he designed a series of eye-catching / retina frazzling neon rizzo print posters to advertise the club night and he did it for nowt more than a home cooked scran and a couple of beers. Fukin bargain if you ask me. 

Even though extremely appreciative of the kind gesture I am certain I will be missing a pound of flesh at some point in the future. Anyway there are plenty of design business’ out there that have the fukin cheek to charge shit loads of money and produce absolute shite. The amount of uninspired  design that surrounds us day to day keeps me laughing out loud and can actually brighten up my travels around the city centre for all the wrong reasons.

I first met Eoin when he came to Fat City for a promotions job interview when he was 16. He still jokes at the fact I sometimes treat him like the 16 year old I met all them years ago to which I suggest he can DJ at Red Laser if he brings his ID. Because I instantly liked him when we met I tried to undersell the promotions position by attempting to convince him that club promoting was a shitty job that paid no money and offered little perks. He seemed undeterred. I offered the job to a Manchester Uni student a few years older called Louis.

Predictably that was not the last of Eoin. He set up his own promotions business and became established as an essential distributor for all the quality nights at that time including Fat City promotions and quickly became a good friend as he fitted effortlessly into Manchester’s bunch of underground idiots. And it wasn’t long before he had set up his own club night, the successful ‘Hot Milk’, where he was able to exercise his passion for DJing, Design and Reggae and Bashment records. His stylised poster and flyer designs saw him attract more and more commissioned work and now, 11 years later, he heads up marketing at Manchester fashion behemoth OiPolloi as well as flexing his design muscle for the cities club nights and record labels.

When the label idea came around and the wheels were set in motion for the first 3 EP’s Eoin was the obvious choice regarding the design. EP1 looks fukin ace and EP’s 2 and 3 are set to drain any budding designer’s spuds.

After then sending the above post to Eoin to see if I had been accurate with the above he had his own version of events and sent me back this edit

“After starting the club night Red Laser Disco and just plodding along as a weekly event in a bar, where people didn’t give a shit about music, never mind synth orientated disco, I decided to move to a monthly at Cord. The poster was toss. A good friend told me so. It was DJ Bob Dazzle aka Eoin McManus (I say good friend, but I still can’t spell his name despite having known him 13 or 14 years. I guess I could just look on Facebook but obviously I’m too lazy). I first met Eoin when he came to Fat City for a promotions job interview when he was 16. He still jokes at the fact I sometimes treat him like the 16 year old I met all them years ago to which I suggest he can DJ at Red Laser if he brings his ID. Anyway, shit jokes aside, because I instantly liked him I bigged myself up massively, playing the bigman promoter telling him how many girls he’d get once he was working for me. I offered him the job on the spot telling him I just had to inform my ‘mate’ Dave before it was legit. I then spent a week dodging him because my ‘BOSS’ Dave decided to give the job to a student called Louis. I had to tell Eoin I was full of shit. Undeterred, Eoin took a job working for Jonny K (Eyes Down), who he met in Fat City after being shown the door by us. It wasn’t long before Eoin was working for Fat City too… the morale of the story? None”

And after Eoin jogged my memory on that first meeting many years ago I am now able to bring the full truth

I first met Ouwin when he came to Fat City for a promotions job interview when he was so young he had not yet grown any pubes. He was also horribly dis-figured and was having a sexual relationship with his uncle. He still jokes at the fact I sometimes treat him like his uncle did, bumming him vigorously for design work whenever possible. Anyway, because I instantly liked him I enrolled him into my charity helping impoverished kids off the streets of Manchester and giving them a ‘life’. He met many girls but wasn’t interested as they didn’t have a cock. I went and spoke with Dave at Fat City who was my secret Son, the result of a fling I had years earlier with Samantha Fox, to see if Owwin could fit into a promotions roll he had vacant. He was immediately against the idea as he feared Ouwen would repel business due to his hideous looks and the fact that his tongue too big for his mouth causing a permanent river of saliva to cascade of his chin . I agreed with Dave and we offered the job to Newton Faulkner. Predictably that wasn’t the last I saw of Ouwin. He went on to set up his own successful promotion ‘Hot Dribble’ where he was to entertain old age pensioners with his passion for ‘Mall Jazz’ records (This information may not be the exact truth as my memories may be clouded due to years of recreational substance abuse however Newton Faulkner and my affair with Samantha Fox are true)

Il Bosco