Wednesday, 6 July 2016

Cig Reviews

It’s been a while but guess what? I’m still alive (after baby number 2) and Red Laser is still releasing music and getting involved in some ace events as well as being inspired by random shit. This time its Cigs!! But first;

Top of today's agenda are the two impending parties we are involved with. Total mega heads The Social Service have us playing at a special secret venue party (In Manchester) on Saturday 16th July. Full Social Service bulbs as well as guets Me, Marsh and Pizzaman repping for the Red Laser crew. Theres a nautical theme so break out the sailor suit you wore at that wedding in 1984. Also, when is the Social ever shit? Never!! so get your ticket here (More than half gone already so don’t sleep)

Then it’s a Red Laser special at Berlins best kept secret Griesmuehle on Friday 5th August. If you haven’t heard of this club give it a few years and it’s all you will hear about. Without a doubt the best club in Berlin right now. A bonkers Mad Max style world mixed with industrial revolution grit over 2 rooms and the best outdoor space in Europe. In the Red Laser Records room we have Me (Bosco), Starion, Pizzaman and Franz Futuro allllllllll niiighhhhhhht  looooonnngggg baby.

Info here; 

STOP THE PRESS(ing plants cos of fukin record store day and the majors re-pressing albums you can get for 50p in mint condition anywhere cos they only sold 20 million copies world wide when originally released)!!! Next Red Laser releases in the pipeline (which needs un-blocking with Mr Muscle drain clear super strength);

  • Kid Machine LP (Out well soon)
  • Tommy Walker 3 EP (Out well soon)
  • Leon x Leon EP (Out well soon)
  • Il Bosco EP2 (Out soon)
  • Volker Stevin & Shane Dorrian EP (Out soon)

OK to the main event. Spark up and get reading;

With the recent boom in electro puffing and news that E-cigs are barely harmful the kudos of the cigarette has been hit hard. Well im not fuking having it. Cigs are,  in my eyes, the coolest way to kill yourself. Go ahead and be a healthy smug neo smoker, standing outside looking like a total bell end while a Jean Michelle Jarre style light show breaks out with every drag and the air fills with the smell of Menthol Strawberry Bubble-gum. I’ll stick to the timeless class of the cigarette any day. So in a sort of ‘knee jerk’ backlash to the recent E Cig phenomenon here are some reviews of fags that have accompanied my good times in recent years.

Silk Cut

The cig that is only useful for;

A - 20 a dayers who been informed there definitely going to die if they don’t stop smoking immediately

B – Stoners that don’t like baccy in their spliffs

Puffing a Silk Cut is like drinking a McDonalds milkshake through a straw full of holes. The strain to get a satisfying puff is always too frustrating and can leave the smoker feeling like they’ve done some exercise.  They are usually favoured by middle aged women as the “diet for your lungs” type fag. Years of Silk Cut smoking eventually re-moulds the shape of ones face to resemble flesh coloured silk draped over the jawbone accompanied with a mouth like a cats bumhole,,, with longer creases. This is the result of years of forced suction in an attempt to produce a satisfying burn in the back of the throat and is officially called ‘Arid mouth’. If i had to throw in a positive i can only imagine how good their blow jobs are. Being passed a Silk Cut can be disappointing, especially when on the blag at the after party, but all is not lost. You can turn a Silk Cut into a Marlborough Light with a simple cig hack. Half way down the cork you will find small perforations. These can be blocked using the sticky part from rizlas or by simply using ample amounts of goz (saliva) to block the holes. Now you can really experience the flavours of that trademark dry tobacco including blow torched white bread, smoked vinegar and bitter charcoal. Unfortunately the flavours are diluted heavily when un-hacked so get pulling up some prime fleggy’s to take full advantage of this usually light smoke.


The undisputed cig of choice for Bosco and official Red Laser ‘King of all cigs’. They are one of the most expensive in the shops but the price is justified due to the exquisite packaging design and unique flavours.  A Regal Kingsize hits the spot every time and never disappoints. Each new pack becomes a party of sensory rituals. The film cover crackles with static when stripped from the box. The lid flaps slide and hiss like the doors on the bridge of the USS enterprise. The smell of a lightly toasted Chorlton sourdough slice bursts from the packet when the top foil is stripped away and reveals the tan topped soldiers who remain stood to attention when peeled from their barracks. The first pull of the flame draws the party to the lungs with the sounds of sizzling rashers and chuckling party guests and the mouth fills with the smooth sweet tastes of caramelised cyanide, vintage leather and carbonised shortbread. You really can taste every milligram of tar (10 in total!). Not only is Regal the lord and king of all cigs but is also ‘Lager’ spelt backwards (Thanks to James Holroyd for pointing this out). Also, Regal are notoriously difficult to find south of Manchester making it the official ‘taste of the North’.  Next time you above Birmingham pop into a tobacconists and enjoy this unbeatable brand. So good I have requested Manchester city council commission a 40 foot bronze sculpture of a 20 pack to be placed alongside the massive Vimto bottle on Sackville Street.

John Player Special Black (JPS)

At no time do I feel less of a man except when stood next to a JPS Black smoker. I don’t think I’ve ever manged to make it to the end of JPS cig without thinking about giving up. Each drag produces the same volume of smoke as a small fossil fuelled power station. The super dry, pungent, 100% pure Virginia tobacco can catch a chugger off guard if not familiar with its petrol like flammability and I once accidently smoked 2 thirds while lighting the bastard which left me slightly green and sea sick. However the flavours are superb. Petrified rubber with double cream roll around the mouth followed by a zingy acidic finish. If you hold your mouth closed and breath it back through your nose you really get the sweet notes of pan blackened highland toffee. 20 a day smoker s may not see a day past 45 though. Caution is advised.

Gauloises Blonde

Nobody does smoking like the French. On a recent trip to Paris I was mesmerized when walking into a Tabac that made Tron world look un-futuristic. I engaged with the owner whose passion for cigs was energizing and after informing him of my personal tastes I was advised to try Gauloises Blonde. This guy was a true professional at customer service as this was a great choice. Burns like a JPS, tastes like a Benson and smells like an Embassy. Had a slight ‘crème brulee’ twist on each drag that really satisfied and complimented a heavy sticky pudding and Arabic coffee. This gets extra marks as I later discovered they were the cig of choice for John Lennon. A man of great taste and experience can’t be wrong so well worth a try.

Il Bosco

1 comment:

  1. This is the shit. I have recently stopped but this is making me want to spark up again.