Saturday, 16 February 2013

The Full Story Of The Jizzmass Party

So the Red Laser Full Beam Jizzmas Party was eventful. Starts with me and Full Beams Randy Marsh going down to the event venue the day before the gig to test the sound and speak with the club owner to make sure everything ran smoothly on the night. We tried to get as much prepared as possible but were hampered by the owners reluctancy to let us mess up his gaff even though he knew we were coming and the place isnt in the best condition anyway. Sayin that, the venues crumbling interior is all part of the charm of the underground clubbing experience but it does nothing for the ambience when it doubles up as a restaurant by day. When we turned up the only person in the gaff was a dude sat on his own who looked like he qualified for suicide watch. While he waited for his food he nursed a pint of lager and watched shite on a wall mounted telly. Topping off his bespoke dining experience was the asylumesque strip lights, the kind that reveal major arteries under the skin, and the positioning of his neatly laid table which was the middle of the fukin dance floor. Perfect if he was hoping to hear a sound check mid scran. As a restaurant it was about as inviting as Jewish deli in a gas chamber. We realised all we could do as prep was agree a fee for us getting people in the club and the supply two crates of beers as a rider for all the DJ’s

                  The Roadhouse dancefloor as people arrive      

The next night we turned up at 7.00pm as discussed and started the set-up. The next 4 hours would have been less stressful if I had opted for being bummed in prison. The owner argued everything we had agreed the night before. Also our sound check did not get off to a good start as me, Sonofapizzman and Marsh discovered broken speaker after broken speaker. Marsh realised there were essential wires missing too which had been left in the venue with the system. While I re wired broken speakers he dived into a large box of cables in search of any that were functional and proceeded to drown in the black and red spaghetti. Out of 10 speakers we had 3 working and each one was a different make.

                                 Starion complete with 80's fist

                            Ste Spandex rocking red eye tie die

By now the club was starting to look like one of those damp suburban second hand electronics shops with piles of partially working amps and speakers. I could see Randy’s blood creeping toward simmer as we tried to make best a bad situation which was sporadically interrupted with bursts of negative and bi polar energy from the owner. “You can’t have smoke machine!” “The free beer for the DJ’s is now one pound each!” “The one pound DJ beers are now two pounds each!” “You can’t put this army netting up here!” “I really like this army netting how much you want for it?!” Just when I thought the situation could not get any worse he excitedly reveals his latest investment in his venue.  Black caps and matching T shirts emblazoned with the venue’s logo in neon pink. Money well spent dude. Why have good sound when you can have matching bar staff?  By this time Marsh looks like he’s ready for takin out any chump in reaching distance and my head was in the stress bin.

           Red Laser always attracts and good looking crowd          
L-R - Sonofapizzaman, Metrodome, Randy Marsh, Yoshi, Emma

                                     DJ Emerald (Disco Mums)

A few doors down is what can only be described as the complete opposite to the venue we were battling with. The Roadhouse is a promoters dream. A small, dark underground club which I have been a part of for many years in Manchester. The sound system is huge and bass heavy and is consistently maintained by the most well respected team of engineers around. The bar is as organised and central library and the door staff are as inviting and warm as your grandparents. That’s presuming your grandparents are not evil cunts. I quickly found the manager and old friend John Green. “Band finishes at 11.30. I will check if the bar staff want to carry on and if so we can have you up and running by 12! No messin about. Just fukin facts. That’s the kind of shit you need in a crisis

            Kid Machine looking a bit cold under the aircon unit. 

Next move was simple. I relayed the plan to Marsh who agreed we should do what I think has never been done to my knowledge in Manchester before. We re-located the club night halfway through the club night. Back at club nightmare I turned the lights on mid record and asked the Disco Mums to stop the music. “Right everyone. Fuck this shit. We are off to the Roadhouse!”

                        These 2 have never looked this normal before

I did feel bad having to make that decision as the owner is a top guy but venue just wasn't ready which is a shame as i have attended some pretty good nights in there when the sound has been in working order. He was understandably pissed off when i started shipping people out of his club and down the road. He was even more pissed off to find his bar staff dancing at the Roadhouse an hour later.  The only way me, Marsh and Pizzaman could remove the pent up anxieties of the evening now was to get absolutely fucked. A mission I set about with aplomb (See images). The night was saved from total disaster even though the set times went out of the window and it became everyman for himself. Kid Machine did a small live set that sounded great on the Roadhouse system but deserved a more settled atmosphere. At the end of the night everybody left inside the club threw in their spare change so we could pay all the DJ’s who played a record breaking four quid each which we all then threw back in the pot for a crate of beer anyway.

                                     The bouncer was not to be fucked with

Besides 80% of the night being a fukin nightmare it was a top laugh in the end. I also learned you can’t hog the after party turntable with Pizzaman and Marsh around. “””OWN MEDICINE”” “”BOOOOOGGGGIIIIEEEEEEEEE”””

 Il Bosco

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