Thursday, 27 June 2013

Get The Look

A few months back I got a call from Geoff Leopard of Last Waltz and the Dada crew up in Newcastle asking would Red Laser like to be involved in a new fezzy out in Croatia called Unknown. The answer I gave was “fukin defo mate”. I instantly trusted this would be a cracker as they had a clued up fucker like Geoff helping out with the programme. Eventually the line-up started to come together and names appeared on it that I didn’t know much about but assumed they would be movers and shakers in whatever hyped scenes were hot on the lips of the fasionistas. It doesnt matter to me that the so called cream of underground disco and deep house are on the line up. I couldn’t give a fuck. All my favourite DJ’s are people who I grew up listening too, listening with and now watching come through Manchester’s underground club scene. I also enjoy the likeminded people I have met along the way that reside in other cities and have the same attitude and passion for music as me. They are generally unheard of to most fanny wipes who think they know about music cos they went to see Deadmouse with ten thousand other imbeciles. They are generally unheard of to most Hairdressers that bought Horse Meat Disco’s last mixtape or naive gays and right wing straights who know who Greg Wilson is. 

Any festival trying to get off the ground is going to have to book the the most hyped names in the bizz to sell tickets.Unknown are booking acts that I suppose are relevant to Red Laser and I could see that a few of the generally Unknown underground nights and DJ’s I have respect for were also on the line-up so I set about doing my bit. I did some promo stuff, probably not enough but for a man with a family, full time job and record label to run in his spare time it is probably fuckin loads. The last few Red Laser BBQ’s I had as “In association with Unknown” ect and I changed my profile picture on Facebook to an Unknown logo (Although that did take 3 months of mithering from Geoff the poor bastard). Then the other day I was asked to help by posting the new web site. This was cool. The website looks great. I had a scroll through and found myself laughing out loud at the seriousness of the photo imagery that “headline acts” use as promotion. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THE WORLD!! Are people so unhappy with their true selves that they will fabricate a moody and mysterious persona via the medium of photography? Smile ya cunt! Av a laff! Give em a picture of ya enjoying yourself or avin a buzz,  ya know like one of ya having a good time in a natural environment or one where ya fell asleep at the wrong party and someone got pictures of ya with pubes and mustard in your mouth. Real times G!

Being "Anti Image" its very confusing for seeing these super styled press shots. They put in so much thought into the whole “how do I want the “Fans” to see me?” What  impression shall I give.? Shall I give them the shallow popularity gobbling wimp that I am? Nar fuck that! Let’s  go with enchantingly sexual smoky eyed geezer. For me its similar to watching celebrity cunts on the telly seeing over styled press photos. I get satisfaction watching Cowell on the box cos I can throw my socks or duds at the telly while shouting stuff like “You deluded bulb sniffer”. Pleasure from pain i think its called. Everyones a bit of a sado init?? Looking at some of the following press shots of headline acts gives me the same kind of enjoyable release.

The following reviews are based on press shots alone. I literally have no clue what their music sounds like or what their like as people. But hey... Fuck it


Like a hoe gone crazy with the cheap botox who can tell what the fuck SBTRKT is feelin wearing this face. Every emotion the same look. I hope that beard's fireproofed as it looks terribly dry ar kid. At least that mouth looks like its always ready to give a blowjob. From the press shots I can only imagine that when he’s not avoiding Annie Mac he’s rinsing tourist’s in Togo by throwing bones around his voodoo shack. “The Gods say you must pay $50.00!” “The Gods are fukin wrong mate!”

The Horrors

I haven’t heard The Horrors music but I like The Cure and 2 of em are taxin Rob Smiths vibe. Having 2 Rob Smith’s in your band at first looks promising but without the lipstick these have got to be shit! This screams fashion over music passion. The only reason I’m smiling at this press shot is because it reminds me of Magnus Muhrs dead fly art. Here we see the Horrors going about their everyday business

You better shave your legs before attempting to get in those jeans ar kid

The Horrors are a competitive bunch.

Topping up that tan seems futile when you’re a Goth


Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs

 He’s twelve and wears hats. His laptop has Children’s BBC stickers all over it. When he’s not doing his homework on his home planet of Nobu he sits quietly while his babysitter Jah Jah Binks makes new and uncompromising headwear for him to parade. Stick a few more bars on this one and your head will be in Jail  G. Young offenders unit obvs


PFFFT HA HA HA!! Tiga is sensual and moody. You can’t really pull off heroin chic without the heroin mate. He looks like he’s fallen face first into the MAC counter in Selfridge’s. Having no clue about his music or what he plays I can only assume from this press shot that he’s not arsed about music and more arsed about attracting men, women or animals. Stick mixcloud on and let the poolside orgy commence. New look needed urgently

Waze and Odyssey 

These fukers look bored. You wont catch me sitting around idly when theres good times to be had. You‘d think if you were actually listed on the bill of a festival you must be doing well and therefore happy with your chosen career. Not these fukers. The one on the right is obviously missing his shifts at a poncy coffee shop in somewhere trendy and the one on the left can’t wait to get back to his Urban Druid club. Cheer up lads we’re off to Croatia init!!

Tale of us

This is Tale of us. This has to be one of those Hate it or Hate it names. The picture suggests they seriously like to have no fun opting for boring conversations over cups of tea down a Mews somewhere in London. The shots I had to choose from were really boring. In shades stood against a wall complete with serious face. Without shades stood back to back profile shot complete with serious face and all other possible predictably boring pictures ect ect  I had my fingers crossed that such unimaginative press shots would not reflect the vibe of their music. This is supposed to be the bit where I give my verdict on their music but I couldn’t be arsed finding any.

Anyway most importantly Unknown Festival Croatia looks pretty damn good really. Check out the line-up and while ya there look at the nights and DJ’s in small print. I bet they will be the best experiences you will have at the festival. If not make sure you go to the St Johns Ambulance facility about 4am. Always great for people watching

Il Bosco

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